Religion Smeligion


It may be slightly ironic that such a beautifully crafted and eye openingly breathtaking spectacle of amazement and awe that is David Attenborough’s ‘Africa’ which has annoyed me immensely, but answer me this:

How, if God created the Earth, is it acceptable to have one rule for one animal and not for others?

Humans, out of millions of species of animals that roam the planet, are the only imbeciles who walk around dressed in absolutely ridiculous clothes chanting hymns, prayers and other nonsensical crap to an imaginary Deity who if in fact is real… Doesn’t give a shit!

You don’t seen flocks of seagulls all stood lined up at a congregation on a Sunday morning dressed in robes and humming out of tune. They are too busy living as nature intended; stealing chips from fat tourists.

Before I go any further, I must admit that I agree with the Ten Commandments, but believe they should be renamed ‘The Ten things that will piss everyone off and most likely land you in jail or dead’ as they are pretty much common sense. Aren’t they?

Thou shalt not murder.

Okay, well does this mean that the Lion who just ate a Gazelle’s head over on the African savannah is going to hell? Does this mean that every time a cat pounces on a mouse, lucifer is cackling to himself and ticking off yet another creature that will endure endless torture and suffering? Of course sodding not.

That’s about as accurate as saying… ‘If you eat my last pasty then Jimmy Saville is going to insert his fingers into you when you sleep’. You have no evidence that this will happen, but by writing it on a piece of paper… It must be true.

Some arse clearly wasn’t getting the respect he deserved one day and made up a load of codswallop to scare people into listening and most importantly, obeying.

Like Catholicism, really? God was sat there one day playing with a condom was he and all of a sudden decided contraception is evil? Bollocks. Contraception wasn’t the case back Ye Olde times, so how did this get interpreted? I think the leader of the religion just wasn’t getting any and decided to punish all those who were by making it a sin to have sex.

Ooooo Pro-Creation is bad because its out of wedlock.

Well tell that to all the Neanderthals who are being spit roasted (take that as you like) by lucifer because they happened to not have invented marriage yet. Poor bastards didn’t stand a chance… You know with not being able to communicate as words hasn’t been invented yet. And of course your next door neighbour wanted to club you to death if you poked your head out of the cave.

Am I the only one who thinks all this ceremonial shit is just a giant waste of everyone’s time and it simply set up to get all the minions known as people on this planet to do what they say?

Maybe there is a god, but I’m sure the daddy mac doesn’t go around reeling off bibles left, right and centre?

We are one of millions of species on this planet so how do we know that the ever omnipotent, omnipresent, benevolent guy in the sky, isn’t in fact a giant spider? Or a cow?

You sure as fuck wouldn’t be praying to a giant tossing Spider now would you? Furthermore, I think RE in schools should be banned and replaced with common sense lessons. Or social philosophy, where people can ask the questions about society they want answers too, and not about some floating berk who apparently will send us all to become hamburgers if we sneeze in the wrong direction.

Excuse me for being a cynic but if you believe in some all knowing git who sends his mysterious, arsehole children down to earth to proclaim his will, and then for 2013 years give us nothing but earthquakes, death and Nicki Minaj, you need you head cracking open and searched for peanuts! I’m not being funny, but if my son was nailed to a cross for being a ‘do-gooder’ and I possessed the ultimate powers the universe… I would AT LEAST have some sort of phallic object grow from the heads of all Romans as punishment! My wrath would be a little more fierce than simply wobbling around in eternal bliss and forgiving those who wrong my will! Am I supposed to believe that God loves all his children… Including Jimmy Savile and Hunny Boo Boo? Okay sure…

So next time you see a heartbreaking scene of a mother elephant having to leave her dead calf behind on the drought stricken land to avoid her own death like that of the BBC’s Africa…

I want you to immediately go and punch a priest in the head.

Food for thought.

A walrus, a chav and a scoundrel walk into a bar…


Imagine this, if you will, you are sat at your desk at work; slurping a coffee and tapping away on your computer. Then without warning a confused and dazed wildebeest comes crashing through the office door. The flea bitten, vomit smelling creature barrels towards you in a manor which only an insane, child hungry, evil clown could emulate and then SUDDENLY… In a flash of silver and copper, hot clammy hands release abundance of ill-counted coins as a sweaty browed, pimple festooned barnyard animal makes an utterance:

“Oi you, nob’ed. Voddy Lemo”

Now unless you happen to be Daniel Craig’s index finger, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume your daily routine doesn’t usually see this much action. Surely this type of currency brandishing buffoon incident would never be allowed to happen in a civilised working environment?

Well speaking on behalf of the Barman world, in the guise of Samuel L Jackson, I would like to ask the world one simple question.

“Manners motherfucker, does thou have them?”

I am no longer a lowly ‘peasant’ known as a Barman any longer having elevated my career dramatically since those days… However, I still remain as much a part of the brotherhood as the day I joined the ranks. My point today is that the general public appear to have a skewed view of what a Barman is.

My first thoughts are that they have simply made an error in assuming that Barman is another word for ‘idiot slave abuse taking shoe clinging defecation’. Less a title and more a description of duty. Perhaps the crisp black shirt, well kept appearance and eloquent speech falsely implies that the owner of such qualities is in fact a raving imbecile, he’ll bent on ruining everyone’s evening.

Why, I ask, does someone’s job of conveying alcoholic substances from bottle to liver, get treated like they have just leapt out of your children’s wardrobe dressed in crotchless spandex pants and begun systematically tea bagging infants?

Let me demonstrate my point.

What do people expect from a Barman?

1, a Barman must serve alcohol indiscriminately to anyone who asks for it.

Wrong. A Barman will end up with a £5,000 fine and a criminal record if some deceptive, sneaky little fucknut of a 17 year old provably manages to blag it and get served. Git

2, the customer is always right, barmen aren’t allowed a voice of their own

Again wrong. If you claim “ah Gev yew a twenny thur nob’ed” and the Barman questions you. Remember, you are drunk and he is not. If you peruse this course of action and are proved wrong. You are, in fact, a bit of an arse.

3. A Barman must always serve me if I wave money at him and click my fingers loud enough.

Get some manners. I don’t come barging in and slap the dick out of your mouth when you’re at work. Idiot.

4. If I wink at them and say “go on kidda make it a double”… I will get a free upgrade on my drink.

Nope, if you wink at me again ill get one of the other drooling water buffalo you’re drinking with to urinate in your drink.

5. I weigh as much as a Boeing 747, but if i flirt with the Barman I might get a free drink.

After a brief chuckle… No.

6. I’m good looking, ill get a free drink if I bat my eyelids.

Nice try, but still no.

7, If I shout loud enough at the Barman he will serve me.

Ill just ignore you longer you moron..

8. Barmen give out free shots all the time, I could probably even haggle the drinks prices.

No. Tills do no have a ‘oh twist my arm, ill do it for a £5er’ button, Nor do stock systems. You complete bell.

Barmen are doing a job just like everyone else. So next time you’re at work, ill come running in and demand freebies whilst a slobbering on your desk and sexually harassing your paper clips and see how you like it. Barmen can be egotistical yes, taking care of your appearance is essential given than you must speak to hundreds of different individuals every evening. It would be bad if each customer recoiled in horror every time they wanted a Smirnoff ice. Also having a cocky attitude is the only thing which makes time pass when dealing with a selection of oafs consistently for 7 hours. Sarcasm and banter is also essential! Imagine working at a call centre where the only people who made calls to you had the intellectual capacity of a jam sandwich, you would inadvertently end up trying to get the sandwich to spell ‘antidisestablishmentarianismnismfismlismington’ and hearing them making sounds which only usually come out of the rear end of cattle when poked with something white hot and stick shaped.

Once you have done this, you will then know how it feels to earn an income from debating basic principles of common sense, logic and basic physics with people at 5am, who have drunk their own body weight in sambuca and are now utterly convince they are in fact, a parsnip.

For example, when ice is added to liquid, the principle of displacement is evidenced. So when someone who’s brain was unfortunately switched with a baked potato at birth, formally announces an inquest into why his two drinks contain different volumes of liquid. The suggestion of the displacement principle receives the same response as perhaps suggesting his mother is of similar proportions as a vat of petroleum jelly.

The word displacement sends the starchy softness between his ears mashing and marinading in beans until the conclusions is finally reached that displacements is another way of suggesting we go outside and punch each others faces until one of us looks like Susan Boyle’s armpit after a long day of playing the bagpipes and subsequently sneezes out his own teeth.

Never trust someone with a root vegetable controlling their limbs!

So anyway, to round off my somewhat heated argument in defence of all that is barmen, I must say that next time you go to the bar, have some decorum, have some manners and remember…

If your nice to barmen instead of using all the vulgarity you possess to make your presence known, they may well serve you first next time ;)

Food for Thought

When I’m Prime Minister…


Whoever said “driving fast wont get you there any quicker!” Was clearly either an imbecile, or simply had no grasp of basic physics. I understand the notion behind the phrase as it suggests that driving fast like a lunatic with his hair on fire isn’t a good idea. However this is much like advising your best mate how important it is to turn up on his first date with Mrs Right wearing corduroy trousers, smelling of an old people’s home and sporting your best Ken Dodd haircut; Justifying it by saying you don’t want to turn up being attractive or she won’t value your personality.

Okay so it isn’t directly similar, but you catch my drift. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes the most well intentioned and thoughtful advice, is shit.

Like someone suggesting back in 1997 that voting for Tony Blair and his ideals would help project the country to prosperous ends. In hindsight this is about as accurate as suggesting that employing Louis Spence as commander in chief of the MInistry of Defence would be a productive idea.

My point, underneath my excessive tangents, is that the normal and conventional is sometimes not productive!

Take crime for example: As a nation we battle day and night to enforce laws and restrictions which people must follow or else. If you urinate in the street a copper will undoubtably come charging towards you, tripping over himself, arms flailing and brandishing a fixed penalty notice at you!

The same thing will happen if you litter… Or if you run an amber light, or go 34 in a 30.

I THINK I HAVE A WAY WHICH COULD CREATE EQUILIBRIUM

Why not start giving out fixed payment notices? When a policeman sees a person performing an act of kindness they should be rewarded.
For example:
When a brave soul grabs a child out of the way of a speeding car, and saves a life; That deserves a reward! Or stands up for an old person getting mugged by someone who looks remarkably like Paul Scholes. Or even when someone intentionally locks Kerry Katona in a cupboard to stop her doing anymore dreadful Iceland commercials, that is an act of ultimate kindness to the world!

Just a small gesture from government to citizen… Small cash amount, slight tax reduction… Perhaps even just a pat on the head and a £5 tesco voucher… SOMETHING other than just that ‘well you’d be a a bit of a prick if you hadn’t just don’t that’ type nod you get from people.

We live in a world which is quick to throw tomatoes in your face when you accidentally fuck up… But is slow to show appreciation for when to do something great!

What a pessimistic and morose place this is.

Keep calm and carry on would appear to be our motto however one question I have is: When Captain Freedom pulls me up for allegedly ‘contravening the law’ by sneezing in the wrong direction and slaps a fine to my forehead, where the fuck does the money go?

The funding for this will be subsidised from the fixed penalty notices when people fuck up. I mean what else does it get used for? Some anorak wearing beard will pipe up and suggest it gets send to an organisation which save dolphins from being eaten, or saving bears from becoming a charming rug, but if you are that person, then before transforming into a manifestation of pure annoyance

I hope you are ironically, but brutally savaged by escaped bears.

Fixed Penalty Notice funds should be and when I’m in power, will be redirected to pay for my somewhat ludicrous yet righteous scheme. Obviously there are those who would abuse my system by being overly nice, conveniently in sight of policemen. These people would of course would be rounded up and subjected to 150db of Bjork on repeat until, that is they they take their own life with a provided pizza cutter. When we live in a world where you must be able to run around a track very fast, or cycle vert fast to be recognised as a positive member of society. I’m not saying superb athletes don’t deserve recognition, but what about the 4 year inbetweeny bits when we aren’t all painting ourselves in Union Jack colours and telling everyone how important the Olympics are?

I am by no means a do-gooder who thinks we should all rally under the flag of Eco-warriors and make everyone a knight for only half filling the kettle… Not do I believe that children should be presented a medal and recognised for outstanding achievement for coming 11th in a 12 man race.

That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Rewarding children for takin part? That’s like stuffing a pineapple up Darwin’s arse and giving the finger to natural selection.

Praising a child for not quite coming last in a race is a bit like rewarding Tony Blair for not quite turning Britain into a refugee camp, high fiving the local priest for not being caught yet…

What I would like to see is people leaving their house to go to work, and instead of pressing their nose against the speedometer so they don’t creep over 30, all the while unaware they are mowing down cyclists (not such a bad thing)… They feel that yes maybe they will be told off occasionally, but once or twice they may get that slap on the back which compels them to keep going and stops them from intentionally ramming cars with ‘baby on board stickers’ in the rear window.

Maybe, just maybe crime figures may fall if people felt that being good paid off occasionally.

And those who continue to murder, rape, rob and commit atrocities across the country, should be thrown into a meat grinder and sold to McDonalds, who I’m sure could do with upgrading their meat, as their 100% chicken anus tasting meals just don’t hit the spot!

I do understand there are some itty bitty problems with my plan… But surely it makes more sodding sense than paying bankers millions in bonuses for effectively having a sophisticated gambling addiction. Also, when I replace DC as Tory leader, we shall have national drive as fast as you like days… Which may get a few of those hideous chav-tactic boy racer cars off the roads and into the hedgerows where they belong.

Food for Thought

Love… The most dangerous drug on the planet.


Okay just to make things clear, I’m not talking about ecstasy here… Nor am I talking about some psychedelic experience from taking drugs…

Today I’m talking about love, and how although Walt Disney may have shown us all since our early years that it is the one thing pure in the world… It is actually the most sinister part of human existence.

What the Jesus am I banging on about you may ask… Suggesting that love is such an evil temptress… But her me out.

A Shakespearean actor could more than likely recite a soliloquy for years on end without pause or hesitation about how the feeling of being in love is the most desirable thing in life… And how they would do anything for the love of their life, and how life isn’t worth living without their lover… And of how they would end it all if they could not be together… Yes that’s right.

Romeo and Juliet were fucking nuts.

Meet in a bar.
Fall in love instantly.
Cause death or various people with their tragic, secretive yet not so secretive bullshit.
Die.

Well that’s an excellent sodding example to give to children in year 9 of school isn’t it.

Letting all those hormonal teens know how romantic it is to being a psychopath on account of falling in love with some manipulative prick.

That’s probably why kids have such a reputation for chucking the word love around on Facebook so much and then acting like the end is neigh when they get dumped…

Don’t get me wrong I love Shakespeare… As do I enjoy Arnold Schwarzenegger films…
But you don’t see me running around Manchester killing everyone and throwing occasional one liners at passers by…

The effect is similar though… It’s evil and wrong and immoral to let children watch sex scenes on TV, or watch graphic violence…

But it’s okay to make them not just watch, but study a text which depicts two young lovers secretly enjoy passion together, get people killed and then commit suicide.

Good call education system… That will bring them up with a good morals compass!
But let me tell you… when we grow up it is even worse!!!

We are introduced to a world of perpetual two steps forward, one step back.
We go about our daily lives… then do a bit of a Fucking up, followed by some forgiving one another.

All in the name of love.

I’m in a relationship where occasionally we will argue and shout at one another… But we trust each other so more often than not we’re cool by the end of the day… like normal people are wo deal wit situations…But things haven’t degenerated to the bullshit that I’m about to discuss…

Let me provide you with an example of how ‘Love’ manages to do people over.

A friend of mine was with the girl of his dreams, he would do everything for her… Run around after her and basically act like a slave, but in the name of love it would all be.

He may as well have gotten a tattoo of her thumb on his forehead.

Then to add insult to injury.. The disgusting whore cheated on him..
He was heart broken… he loved her with all his heart, he would do anything for her… and so then the waterworks came… Blah blah blah, she loves him so much she was just ‘confused’ and so the idiot forgave her.

Let me make one point here which anyone who has been cheated on will understand:

*please note than capital letters are not me shouting… It’s just an important point that people should read*

CHEATING IS A DISGUSTING, VILE AND EVIL THING TO DO… WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO TRUSTS YOU AND YOU FEEL CON-FUCKING-FUSED… YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND DEAL WITH IT LIKE AN ADULT… STUFFING THE NEAREST DICK IN YOUR MOUTH IS JUST PLAINLY ACTING LIKE A DISRESPECTFUL CUNT WHO BASICALLY LACKS ANY SELF CONTROL.

ANYONE READING THIS WHO DOES THIS WHEN THEY ARE UNSURE ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP… I HOPE THE NEXT TIME YOU DO IT, YOU GET AIDS.

back to my point… What a testicle-less softy you may scream at your computer…
How could he take back someone who disrespected him so much.

Well before your point the proverbial finger at people who do this, have quick thing about it.

My friend cared so much about his girlfriend that he didnt want to have to live his life without her… even if that meant suffering the indignity of her treating him like a servant…

If you forgive someone for being a dick to you all the time your a soft arse… If you tell them go fuck themselves and hopefully catch aids… Then that make you a bastard.
There is no middle ground here.

Love conquers all they say. Damn right it does. It makes us do all sorts of stupid things.

So far we have:

Making us depressed and wanting to top ourselves (or so Willie Shakespeare would have us do)

forgiving every wrong doing to avoid losing the person

But now the worst thing love has ever done… Stifles potential.

Yes, much like having your picture taken with Jimmy Savile… Being in love places TNT at the bottom of any towering potential and brings it crashing down!

Strong minded people will love and be able to carry on achieving their dreams..

But there are those out there who lack the drive to concentrate on both…
Jealous partners will hold them back from jobs which may ‘take them away’ or ‘change them’ and basically use love as the scapegoat for jealousy…

In the name of love some shitty things have happened.

Wars are fought because of the guidance and belief in a particular god… People want god’s love and blessings so they kill in his name…

The point I have made here is… Not once have I actually discussed true love…
The feeling of absolute confidence that someone makes you so happy that you just want to be with them…

Love is happiness, serenity, serendipity, perpetual butterflies.

People are the ones who use love as a tool to manipulate and control.
What out for these shady people… They are not to be trusted.

This blog entry wasn’t as comic as usual, but feel free to let me know your thoughts on the matter.

Coffee, laywers… and the bullshit that goes with it all.


It would seem that due to the nature of my day to day life, I find myself doing a considerable amount of people watching. It may sound creepy, but its suprisingly hard to sit in a public place and NOT look at what other people are doing.
I will try to describe the environment which I am currently sitting in:

I am in the corner of Starbucks on a busy main road in London, right by the window. To my left is a middle aged woman, presumably writing a business proposal and she keeps sneaking a look at what I’m writing. So if you are reading this lady, I’m onto you but feel free to continue looking its a free country and all that!

In front of me is an ENOURMOUS asian lady drinking an equally large cup of coffee. I can’t quite convey how hard it is to not look at this woman her every move seems to cause a vibration across the entire. Tables, mugs, children are all in jeopardy when this lady swings her gigantic behind around.

Working behind the counter is a potential skitziophrenic who greets every customer with a smile and warmly chats to them as if they were old friends. However the second they are gone, the smile rapidly disappears and she beings scowling and muttering to her colleague in a harsh eastern european accent.

Why do they bother with the bullshit parade? Im I the only person who sees directly through the smiles and the ‘Can I get you a pastry to accompany your beverage?’

Who the bejesus uses the word beverage?
The only context in which the catering industries most pointless and preposterously overused word is used is when a supervisor is on her period and threatens to stab the barista with a sharpened stirring spoon if they don’t say it.
Don’t you think it sets a challenge for us consumers to come up with our own ludacris vocabulary to combat the servers?

For example the next time I want to order a coffee the conversation may go a little like this:
Barista: Hi, Welcome to Starbucks, can I get you a beverage?

Me: Greetings fellow homosapien, can one per chance venture a proposition upon yourself to go yonder and extract a refreshment from a culmination of flavoursome beans, the reproductive udder produce of a bovine and the product mainly synonymous with plantation slavery, heated to 2.5 x room temperature into a lidded vessle in which I may reciprocate enjoyment through a size challenged hole?

Barista: ???

Me: Your move Barista!

I’m certain the young eastern european girl would look nervously back and call her hormonal superiour who may well have have exploded with emotion by this point. Upon arrival of said supervisor I would then recite a selection of limmericks occasionally and without care for rhythme or rhyme, occasionally adding the word beverage in for good measure.
Only when she had stuffed croissants into her ears and run away singing the Ugandan national anthem would I desist. THIS is how frustrated I get when people engage in the bullshit that is coffee shops.

Don’t get me wrong I love coffee shops for the reason that they provide me with three of my fundamentally favourite things:
Coffee

A place to think

A place to observe others.

However, it does not stop here.
Due to the culture these days at which customer service is king to the extent that if a simple mistake is made… such as the wrong adjective is used to describe a muffin… a mis-representation lawsuit would soon surely follow and the poor 17 year old boy trying to save money for whatever fruitless and wasteful purposes he requires money for… would be branded a pedophile and have a Nazi party badge stapled to his forehead.

This fear of the accident prone, idiotic public has driven us to new madness.

Here are examples of why the world is nothing short of a joke… and explinations for their existence:

Can I possibly upgrade your coffee to large for an extra 50p… If I don’t ask, your coffee is free‘ -

Some TWAT obviously became extremely annoyed when he realised that he could have had a larger coffee, but failed to read the menu because he’s a TWAT… this is obviously the companies fault so he complained… TWAT’

I will bring your panini over to you, careful though its very hot

OF COURSE ITS FUCKING HOT…. its just been under a fucking grill! People are now so incapable of using common sense as a primary directive… they must now be spoonfed information like they have been hiding under the bed for the past 20 years. Twats.

Caution: Contents of coffee mug may be hot

This suggests to me that some FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCK spilled coffee on themselves… and only then, after having entered the coffee shop… perused the menu, made a selection, witnessed its creation and picked up the hot cup… realized it was a hot fucking beverage… The usual scale of stupidness which goes from ‘1’ to ‘slapping yourself with a molten hot spatular’… is greatly exceeded… sometimes I think that I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

The way I see things… this is going too far.

EVERY 13 seconds there is an advert on television where a ‘lawyer’ played by a man who looks like he molests children and drives a Prius to show the world how ‘Serious’ he is… demands that you sue everyone you ever met because all the bads things that have happened in your life is of course THEIR fault.
Quick… sue everyone… and claim PPI back that the banks missold you… then sue the PPI claim company for misselling you something… then sue your lawyer… then sue yourself. Then the cat… for causing offense by shitting on your pillow.

This is how the advert should sound:

Have you had a trip or fall at work? … well look where you’re going next time you useless cunt and get on with doing something productive. END.

Or perhaps to shorten it and make it even more cost effective.

‘Have you had a tri… NOB OFF’

The problem these days is that people blame everyone else for their own balls ups.

I can imagine that is banana picking companies were prevelant in the Western World then they would never get a fucking thing done because their workers would be claiming banana peel related injuries 24/7!

SOMEHOW they didn’t realise that by working in an atmosphere filled with bananas, they may come into contact with bananas, and however unlikely, they may come into contact with bananas on the floor, which may of course be slippery…HOWEVER because the company didn’t explicitly mentioned that standing on a banana may cause a slip, they think that standing on a banana is perfectly okay due to its unforeen physical friction properties.

Basically, if you want to set up a company, you must warn staff of every concievable perilous situation that has ever been or will ever be possible.

I’ll be damned if I’m filling out that staff training file:

Section 476 Article 79b

‘If a small mammal such as a hedgehog comes across your path, do NOT insert into your rectum when a spacehopper party is planned in the forseeable future’

I have a new theory… companies should be able to sue their workers for being useless time wasting nobheads if they have an accident as a direct result of stupid behaviour…

Climbing up a ladder without the correct safety gear?

Signed the contract to say you have received training?

Then that is YOUR fault.

Nob.

I must sound very passionate in my hatred for these things… and that is because I believe in a civilized world where human beings coexist… not always perfectly, but we try to get through life and try our best. We do NOT need some fucking gimp trying to sue me every time I don’t hold the door open for him…

and secondly… It is NOT called a beverage. It is a drink.

Food For Thought.

Planned Pregnancy


It has come to my attention recently that the entire world is pregnant…

From every conceivable angle women are being knocked up… And feel that they now must stop at nothing to inform the entire word how wonderful it is!!

Okay, so procreation at its most basic form not generally a topic of much humour as it is how we all arrived on this planet, however there must be some sort of joke I’m not in on going on..??

I implore you all to look on your Facebook newsfeed, Twitter… or just about any other method of social networking and I can almost guarantee there will be some cabbage showing the world 3D scans of what can only be described as a creepy alien potato thingymabob… Or simply just getting excited for the arrival of their ‘planned’ child…

Okay, so given my recent research into this notion of ‘planned parenthood’ … what can be considered ‘planned parenthood’?

Yes obviously planning a pregnancy means it was previously thought about prior to conception but how do people prepare for it?

Well here is a list of things i have come up with which people seem to be doing prior to getting knocked up…

1. They must under no circumstances have a job or means of income…
2. Their new child’s home environment but be as stable as Jimmy Savile’s defence case…
3. They must have an inability to spell any word longer than 4 letters (irrelevant yet notable)
4. They must not have considered life with a child after the initial ‘I’m now a mummy’ stage.
5. They must already be planning nights out in which the baby shall be left with relatives…

The list is long and tiresome but am I the only person who finds it all little bit wrong?

Yes there are new parents out there who frankly do an amazing job and kudos to them…

But my worry is that the generation of moronic, hopeless, scrounging Chavy time wasters who festoon this world are now breeding…

And much like the film Prometheus when weird evil aliens produce hybrid, maniacal and slimy offspring… I believe this is what will happen.

Take this formula for example

Illiterate, weed smoking, drug dealing, tax avoiding, ‘one hand must remain down front of trousers at all times’ father
+
Orange coloured, 60 a day smoking, alcoholic, track suit wearing, scrapped back haired, anger management issues mother
=
One sincerely messed up child who might as well use Josef Fritzel and Roule Moat as a role model than his oxygen thieving parents…

This does not bode well for humanity.

I’m not Hitler.. I don’t believe is breeding a superior race or eliminating the weak, sick and Jewish…

My suggestion is that people should breed when they have the means to bring the child up in a stable environment where it can live, grow, learn and become an individual as opposed to a mini-menace like its godawful parents… Who will more than likely be sat, in 10 years time…. On Jeremy Kyle’s sofa.

And if you feel offended by any of the above… They it means you voluntarily fitted yourself into one or the aforementioned categories… And therefore will be wasting everyone’s time by arguing a defensive case as you were stupid enough to declare yourself in such categories… You are more than likely a mess.

However all of this is my opinion not fact.

Therefore before complaining… Sod off and read someone else’s blog. :-)

Food for Thought

The ins and outs of life..


Life can be amazing…
Life can be fun…
Life can be monotonous
Life can be as interesting as Wayne Rooney’s auto biography…

These are the fundamentals, and now we know them, we must then understand them!

I see hundreds of people daily, complaining via Facebook that their lives are shit, how their boyfriend just ran off to Barbados with a Taiwanese he/she called Juan… how their cat doesn’t look at them the same way since the ‘drunken incident’ and all manner of other farcical and depressive situations…

I personally think the solution to this is all about perspective. If you woke up every morning knowing that your bank account is fuller than Eric Pickles’ stomach… then rubbing away feverishly at a scratch card to match 3 symbols to find out if you’ve won a million… wouldn’t have quite the same buzz to it…

Equally, that unparalleled feeling of delight when a Chav walks into a lamp post… Or sits in dog shit… Or just generally makes an arse of himself…

Would NOT be he same if it happened every 13 seconds. (Okay the first week would be good but then perhaps just annoying)

What I’m trying to promote here is balance!

Life is an oxymoron, in which we all crave nice things, but too much of a nice thing makes it shit.

Having a gorgeous, loyal and trustworthy girlfriend is rarer than finding a picture of Aemon Holmes which doesn’t make him look like a personification of a Big Mac

However if every girl out there was stunning, moral and had a shred of decency then it would make the initial find less unique!

Of course you may be thinking ‘Shut up you nonce, what do you know?However, you are on my blog, where my opinion is king… so if you disagree, feel free to sod off.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news ladies and gents but more often than not…

We are sold a turd.

Which is why I say we should appreciate the good things that happen to us and feel sorry for those who are less fortunate.

There are those around the world who wake up every morning in poverty in a Disease ridden hell hole…

Most notably Kerry Katona’s boyfriend…

All suffer on a daily basis…

Yet we complain when our cheese toastie is slightly over done.

Its perspective people!

Don’t confuse me for some sort of religious do-gooder who is an advocate for hugging trees and giving gang members money for teddy bears…

That would be about as inaccurate as to suggest that good old Rowen… The Archbishop of Canterbury isn’t a completely idiotic and useless bellend.

No I just don’t like when people complain about menial crap…

However there is ONLY one thing worse…

People who expect praise and compliments for redundant an pointless feats.

Congratu-fucking-lations!!!!…. You successfully made ‘insta-mash’ without your head spontaneously combusting and retardedly mushing your fingers into the mix…

There is a medal in the post…

I did call the Parade Commission to authorise an honorary parade in celebration of your achievement… But unfortunately they are fully booked for some who instagrammed a cake they baked earlier without burning down the house…

To everyone who does this.

I hope Piers Morgan sneaks in through your bedroom window tonight and talks to you…
Or a painful death…

At this present moment I’m struggling to decide which is worse.

Food for thought.