It would seem that due to the nature of my day to day life, I find myself doing a considerable amount of people watching. It may sound creepy, but its suprisingly hard to sit in a public place and NOT look at what other people are doing.
I will try to describe the environment which I am currently sitting in:
I am in the corner of Starbucks on a busy main road in London, right by the window. To my left is a middle aged woman, presumably writing a business proposal and she keeps sneaking a look at what I’m writing. So if you are reading this lady, I’m onto you but feel free to continue looking its a free country and all that!
In front of me is an ENOURMOUS asian lady drinking an equally large cup of coffee. I can’t quite convey how hard it is to not look at this woman her every move seems to cause a vibration across the entire. Tables, mugs, children are all in jeopardy when this lady swings her gigantic behind around.
Working behind the counter is a potential skitziophrenic who greets every customer with a smile and warmly chats to them as if they were old friends. However the second they are gone, the smile rapidly disappears and she beings scowling and muttering to her colleague in a harsh eastern european accent.
Why do they bother with the bullshit parade? Im I the only person who sees directly through the smiles and the ‘Can I get you a pastry to accompany your beverage?’
Who the bejesus uses the word beverage?
The only context in which the catering industries most pointless and preposterously overused word is used is when a supervisor is on her period and threatens to stab the barista with a sharpened stirring spoon if they don’t say it.
Don’t you think it sets a challenge for us consumers to come up with our own ludacris vocabulary to combat the servers?
For example the next time I want to order a coffee the conversation may go a little like this:
Barista: Hi, Welcome to Starbucks, can I get you a beverage?
Me: Greetings fellow homosapien, can one per chance venture a proposition upon yourself to go yonder and extract a refreshment from a culmination of flavoursome beans, the reproductive udder produce of a bovine and the product mainly synonymous with plantation slavery, heated to 2.5 x room temperature into a lidded vessle in which I may reciprocate enjoyment through a size challenged hole?
Barista: ???
Me: Your move Barista!
I’m certain the young eastern european girl would look nervously back and call her hormonal superiour who may well have have exploded with emotion by this point. Upon arrival of said supervisor I would then recite a selection of limmericks occasionally and without care for rhythme or rhyme, occasionally adding the word beverage in for good measure.
Only when she had stuffed croissants into her ears and run away singing the Ugandan national anthem would I desist. THIS is how frustrated I get when people engage in the bullshit that is coffee shops.
Don’t get me wrong I love coffee shops for the reason that they provide me with three of my fundamentally favourite things:
Coffee
A place to think
A place to observe others.
However, it does not stop here.
Due to the culture these days at which customer service is king to the extent that if a simple mistake is made… such as the wrong adjective is used to describe a muffin… a mis-representation lawsuit would soon surely follow and the poor 17 year old boy trying to save money for whatever fruitless and wasteful purposes he requires money for… would be branded a pedophile and have a Nazi party badge stapled to his forehead.
This fear of the accident prone, idiotic public has driven us to new madness.
Here are examples of why the world is nothing short of a joke… and explinations for their existence:
‘Can I possibly upgrade your coffee to large for an extra 50p… If I don’t ask, your coffee is free‘ –
Some TWAT obviously became extremely annoyed when he realised that he could have had a larger coffee, but failed to read the menu because he’s a TWAT… this is obviously the companies fault so he complained… TWAT’
‘I will bring your panini over to you, careful though its very hot‘
OF COURSE ITS FUCKING HOT…. its just been under a fucking grill! People are now so incapable of using common sense as a primary directive… they must now be spoonfed information like they have been hiding under the bed for the past 20 years. Twats.
‘Caution: Contents of coffee mug may be hot‘
This suggests to me that some FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCK spilled coffee on themselves… and only then, after having entered the coffee shop… perused the menu, made a selection, witnessed its creation and picked up the hot cup… realized it was a hot fucking beverage… The usual scale of stupidness which goes from ‘1’ to ‘slapping yourself with a molten hot spatular’… is greatly exceeded… sometimes I think that I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
The way I see things… this is going too far.
EVERY 13 seconds there is an advert on television where a ‘lawyer’ played by a man who looks like he molests children and drives a Prius to show the world how ‘Serious’ he is… demands that you sue everyone you ever met because all the bads things that have happened in your life is of course THEIR fault.
Quick… sue everyone… and claim PPI back that the banks missold you… then sue the PPI claim company for misselling you something… then sue your lawyer… then sue yourself. Then the cat… for causing offense by shitting on your pillow.
This is how the advert should sound:
Have you had a trip or fall at work? … well look where you’re going next time you useless cunt and get on with doing something productive. END.
Or perhaps to shorten it and make it even more cost effective.
‘Have you had a tri… NOB OFF’
The problem these days is that people blame everyone else for their own balls ups.
I can imagine that is banana picking companies were prevelant in the Western World then they would never get a fucking thing done because their workers would be claiming banana peel related injuries 24/7!
SOMEHOW they didn’t realise that by working in an atmosphere filled with bananas, they may come into contact with bananas, and however unlikely, they may come into contact with bananas on the floor, which may of course be slippery…HOWEVER because the company didn’t explicitly mentioned that standing on a banana may cause a slip, they think that standing on a banana is perfectly okay due to its unforeen physical friction properties.
Basically, if you want to set up a company, you must warn staff of every concievable perilous situation that has ever been or will ever be possible.
I’ll be damned if I’m filling out that staff training file:
Section 476 Article 79b
‘If a small mammal such as a hedgehog comes across your path, do NOT insert into your rectum when a spacehopper party is planned in the forseeable future’
I have a new theory… companies should be able to sue their workers for being useless time wasting nobheads if they have an accident as a direct result of stupid behaviour…
Climbing up a ladder without the correct safety gear?
Signed the contract to say you have received training?
Then that is YOUR fault.
Nob.
I must sound very passionate in my hatred for these things… and that is because I believe in a civilized world where human beings coexist… not always perfectly, but we try to get through life and try our best. We do NOT need some fucking gimp trying to sue me every time I don’t hold the door open for him…
and secondly… It is NOT called a beverage. It is a drink.
Food For Thought.
robdowdsfoodforthought 