Religion Smeligion

It may be slightly ironic that such a beautifully crafted and eye openingly breathtaking spectacle of amazement and awe that is David Attenborough’s ‘Africa’ which has annoyed me immensely, but answer me this:

How, if God created the Earth, is it acceptable to have one rule for one animal and not for others?

Humans, out of millions of species of animals that roam the planet, are the only imbeciles who walk around dressed in absolutely ridiculous clothes chanting hymns, prayers and other nonsensical crap to an imaginary Deity who if in fact is real… Doesn’t give a shit!

You don’t seen flocks of seagulls all stood lined up at a congregation on a Sunday morning dressed in robes and humming out of tune. They are too busy living as nature intended; stealing chips from fat tourists.

Before I go any further, I must admit that I agree with the Ten Commandments, but believe they should be renamed ‘The Ten things that will piss everyone off and most likely land you in jail or dead’ as they are pretty much common sense. Aren’t they?

Thou shalt not murder.

Okay, well does this mean that the Lion who just ate a Gazelle’s head over on the African savannah is going to hell? Does this mean that every time a cat pounces on a mouse, lucifer is cackling to himself and ticking off yet another creature that will endure endless torture and suffering? Of course sodding not.

That’s about as accurate as saying… ‘If you eat my last pasty then Jimmy Saville is going to insert his fingers into you when you sleep’. You have no evidence that this will happen, but by writing it on a piece of paper… It must be true.

Some arse clearly wasn’t getting the respect he deserved one day and made up a load of codswallop to scare people into listening and most importantly, obeying.

Like Catholicism, really? God was sat there one day playing with a condom was he and all of a sudden decided contraception is evil? Bollocks. Contraception wasn’t the case back Ye Olde times, so how did this get interpreted? I think the leader of the religion just wasn’t getting any and decided to punish all those who were by making it a sin to have sex.

Ooooo Pro-Creation is bad because its out of wedlock.

Well tell that to all the Neanderthals who are being spit roasted (take that as you like) by lucifer because they happened to not have invented marriage yet. Poor bastards didn’t stand a chance… You know with not being able to communicate as words hasn’t been invented yet. And of course your next door neighbour wanted to club you to death if you poked your head out of the cave.

Am I the only one who thinks all this ceremonial shit is just a giant waste of everyone’s time and it simply set up to get all the minions known as people on this planet to do what they say?

Maybe there is a god, but I’m sure the daddy mac doesn’t go around reeling off bibles left, right and centre?

We are one of millions of species on this planet so how do we know that the ever omnipotent, omnipresent, benevolent guy in the sky, isn’t in fact a giant spider? Or a cow?

You sure as fuck wouldn’t be praying to a giant tossing Spider now would you? Furthermore, I think RE in schools should be banned and replaced with common sense lessons. Or social philosophy, where people can ask the questions about society they want answers too, and not about some floating berk who apparently will send us all to become hamburgers if we sneeze in the wrong direction.

Excuse me for being a cynic but if you believe in some all knowing git who sends his mysterious, arsehole children down to earth to proclaim his will, and then for 2013 years give us nothing but earthquakes, death and Nicki Minaj, you need you head cracking open and searched for peanuts! I’m not being funny, but if my son was nailed to a cross for being a ‘do-gooder’ and I possessed the ultimate powers the universe… I would AT LEAST have some sort of phallic object grow from the heads of all Romans as punishment! My wrath would be a little more fierce than simply wobbling around in eternal bliss and forgiving those who wrong my will! Am I supposed to believe that God loves all his children… Including Jimmy Savile and Hunny Boo Boo? Okay sure…

So next time you see a heartbreaking scene of a mother elephant having to leave her dead calf behind on the drought stricken land to avoid her own death like that of the BBC’s Africa…

I want you to immediately go and punch a priest in the head.

Food for thought.

A walrus, a chav and a scoundrel walk into a bar…

Imagine this, if you will, you are sat at your desk at work; slurping a coffee and tapping away on your computer. Then without warning a confused and dazed wildebeest comes crashing through the office door. The flea bitten, vomit smelling creature barrels towards you in a manor which only an insane, child hungry, evil clown could emulate and then SUDDENLY… In a flash of silver and copper, hot clammy hands release abundance of ill-counted coins as a sweaty browed, pimple festooned barnyard animal makes an utterance:

“Oi you, nob’ed. Voddy Lemo”

Now unless you happen to be Daniel Craig’s index finger, I’m going to go out on a limb and assume your daily routine doesn’t usually see this much action. Surely this type of currency brandishing buffoon incident would never be allowed to happen in a civilised working environment?

Well speaking on behalf of the Barman world, in the guise of Samuel L Jackson, I would like to ask the world one simple question.

“Manners motherfucker, does thou have them?”

I am no longer a lowly ‘peasant’ known as a Barman any longer having elevated my career dramatically since those days… However, I still remain as much a part of the brotherhood as the day I joined the ranks. My point today is that the general public appear to have a skewed view of what a Barman is.

My first thoughts are that they have simply made an error in assuming that Barman is another word for ‘idiot slave abuse taking shoe clinging defecation’. Less a title and more a description of duty. Perhaps the crisp black shirt, well kept appearance and eloquent speech falsely implies that the owner of such qualities is in fact a raving imbecile, he’ll bent on ruining everyone’s evening.

Why, I ask, does someone’s job of conveying alcoholic substances from bottle to liver, get treated like they have just leapt out of your children’s wardrobe dressed in crotchless spandex pants and begun systematically tea bagging infants?

Let me demonstrate my point.

What do people expect from a Barman?

1, a Barman must serve alcohol indiscriminately to anyone who asks for it.

Wrong. A Barman will end up with a £5,000 fine and a criminal record if some deceptive, sneaky little fucknut of a 17 year old provably manages to blag it and get served. Git

2, the customer is always right, barmen aren’t allowed a voice of their own

Again wrong. If you claim “ah Gev yew a twenny thur nob’ed” and the Barman questions you. Remember, you are drunk and he is not. If you peruse this course of action and are proved wrong. You are, in fact, a bit of an arse.

3. A Barman must always serve me if I wave money at him and click my fingers loud enough.

Get some manners. I don’t come barging in and slap the dick out of your mouth when you’re at work. Idiot.

4. If I wink at them and say “go on kidda make it a double”… I will get a free upgrade on my drink.

Nope, if you wink at me again ill get one of the other drooling water buffalo you’re drinking with to urinate in your drink.

5. I weigh as much as a Boeing 747, but if i flirt with the Barman I might get a free drink.

After a brief chuckle… No.

6. I’m good looking, ill get a free drink if I bat my eyelids.

Nice try, but still no.

7, If I shout loud enough at the Barman he will serve me.

Ill just ignore you longer you moron..

8. Barmen give out free shots all the time, I could probably even haggle the drinks prices.

No. Tills do no have a ‘oh twist my arm, ill do it for a £5er’ button, Nor do stock systems. You complete bell.

Barmen are doing a job just like everyone else. So next time you’re at work, ill come running in and demand freebies whilst a slobbering on your desk and sexually harassing your paper clips and see how you like it. Barmen can be egotistical yes, taking care of your appearance is essential given than you must speak to hundreds of different individuals every evening. It would be bad if each customer recoiled in horror every time they wanted a Smirnoff ice. Also having a cocky attitude is the only thing which makes time pass when dealing with a selection of oafs consistently for 7 hours. Sarcasm and banter is also essential! Imagine working at a call centre where the only people who made calls to you had the intellectual capacity of a jam sandwich, you would inadvertently end up trying to get the sandwich to spell ‘antidisestablishmentarianismnismfismlismington’ and hearing them making sounds which only usually come out of the rear end of cattle when poked with something white hot and stick shaped.

Once you have done this, you will then know how it feels to earn an income from debating basic principles of common sense, logic and basic physics with people at 5am, who have drunk their own body weight in sambuca and are now utterly convince they are in fact, a parsnip.

For example, when ice is added to liquid, the principle of displacement is evidenced. So when someone who’s brain was unfortunately switched with a baked potato at birth, formally announces an inquest into why his two drinks contain different volumes of liquid. The suggestion of the displacement principle receives the same response as perhaps suggesting his mother is of similar proportions as a vat of petroleum jelly.

The word displacement sends the starchy softness between his ears mashing and marinading in beans until the conclusions is finally reached that displacements is another way of suggesting we go outside and punch each others faces until one of us looks like Susan Boyle’s armpit after a long day of playing the bagpipes and subsequently sneezes out his own teeth.

Never trust someone with a root vegetable controlling their limbs!

So anyway, to round off my somewhat heated argument in defence of all that is barmen, I must say that next time you go to the bar, have some decorum, have some manners and remember…

If your nice to barmen instead of using all the vulgarity you possess to make your presence known, they may well serve you first next time 😉

Food for Thought

When I’m Prime Minister…

Whoever said “driving fast wont get you there any quicker!” Was clearly either an imbecile, or simply had no grasp of basic physics. I understand the notion behind the phrase as it suggests that driving fast like a lunatic with his hair on fire isn’t a good idea. However this is much like advising your best mate how important it is to turn up on his first date with Mrs Right wearing corduroy trousers, smelling of an old people’s home and sporting your best Ken Dodd haircut; Justifying it by saying you don’t want to turn up being attractive or she won’t value your personality.

Okay so it isn’t directly similar, but you catch my drift. What I’m trying to say is that sometimes the most well intentioned and thoughtful advice, is shit.

Like someone suggesting back in 1997 that voting for Tony Blair and his ideals would help project the country to prosperous ends. In hindsight this is about as accurate as suggesting that employing Louis Spence as commander in chief of the MInistry of Defence would be a productive idea.

My point, underneath my excessive tangents, is that the normal and conventional is sometimes not productive!

Take crime for example: As a nation we battle day and night to enforce laws and restrictions which people must follow or else. If you urinate in the street a copper will undoubtably come charging towards you, tripping over himself, arms flailing and brandishing a fixed penalty notice at you!

The same thing will happen if you litter… Or if you run an amber light, or go 34 in a 30.

I THINK I HAVE A WAY WHICH COULD CREATE EQUILIBRIUM

Why not start giving out fixed payment notices? When a policeman sees a person performing an act of kindness they should be rewarded.
For example:
When a brave soul grabs a child out of the way of a speeding car, and saves a life; That deserves a reward! Or stands up for an old person getting mugged by someone who looks remarkably like Paul Scholes. Or even when someone intentionally locks Kerry Katona in a cupboard to stop her doing anymore dreadful Iceland commercials, that is an act of ultimate kindness to the world!

Just a small gesture from government to citizen… Small cash amount, slight tax reduction… Perhaps even just a pat on the head and a £5 tesco voucher… SOMETHING other than just that ‘well you’d be a a bit of a prick if you hadn’t just don’t that’ type nod you get from people.

We live in a world which is quick to throw tomatoes in your face when you accidentally fuck up… But is slow to show appreciation for when to do something great!

What a pessimistic and morose place this is.

Keep calm and carry on would appear to be our motto however one question I have is: When Captain Freedom pulls me up for allegedly ‘contravening the law’ by sneezing in the wrong direction and slaps a fine to my forehead, where the fuck does the money go?

The funding for this will be subsidised from the fixed penalty notices when people fuck up. I mean what else does it get used for? Some anorak wearing beard will pipe up and suggest it gets send to an organisation which save dolphins from being eaten, or saving bears from becoming a charming rug, but if you are that person, then before transforming into a manifestation of pure annoyance

I hope you are ironically, but brutally savaged by escaped bears.

Fixed Penalty Notice funds should be and when I’m in power, will be redirected to pay for my somewhat ludicrous yet righteous scheme. Obviously there are those who would abuse my system by being overly nice, conveniently in sight of policemen. These people would of course would be rounded up and subjected to 150db of Bjork on repeat until, that is they they take their own life with a provided pizza cutter. When we live in a world where you must be able to run around a track very fast, or cycle vert fast to be recognised as a positive member of society. I’m not saying superb athletes don’t deserve recognition, but what about the 4 year inbetweeny bits when we aren’t all painting ourselves in Union Jack colours and telling everyone how important the Olympics are?

I am by no means a do-gooder who thinks we should all rally under the flag of Eco-warriors and make everyone a knight for only half filling the kettle… Not do I believe that children should be presented a medal and recognised for outstanding achievement for coming 11th in a 12 man race.

That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Rewarding children for takin part? That’s like stuffing a pineapple up Darwin’s arse and giving the finger to natural selection.

Praising a child for not quite coming last in a race is a bit like rewarding Tony Blair for not quite turning Britain into a refugee camp, high fiving the local priest for not being caught yet…

What I would like to see is people leaving their house to go to work, and instead of pressing their nose against the speedometer so they don’t creep over 30, all the while unaware they are mowing down cyclists (not such a bad thing)… They feel that yes maybe they will be told off occasionally, but once or twice they may get that slap on the back which compels them to keep going and stops them from intentionally ramming cars with ‘baby on board stickers’ in the rear window.

Maybe, just maybe crime figures may fall if people felt that being good paid off occasionally.

And those who continue to murder, rape, rob and commit atrocities across the country, should be thrown into a meat grinder and sold to McDonalds, who I’m sure could do with upgrading their meat, as their 100% chicken anus tasting meals just don’t hit the spot!

I do understand there are some itty bitty problems with my plan… But surely it makes more sodding sense than paying bankers millions in bonuses for effectively having a sophisticated gambling addiction. Also, when I replace DC as Tory leader, we shall have national drive as fast as you like days… Which may get a few of those hideous chav-tactic boy racer cars off the roads and into the hedgerows where they belong.

Food for Thought

Love… The most dangerous drug on the planet.

Okay just to make things clear, I’m not talking about ecstasy here… Nor am I talking about some psychedelic experience from taking drugs…

Today I’m talking about love, and how although Walt Disney may have shown us all since our early years that it is the one thing pure in the world… It is actually the most sinister part of human existence.

What the Jesus am I banging on about you may ask… Suggesting that love is such an evil temptress… But her me out.

A Shakespearean actor could more than likely recite a soliloquy for years on end without pause or hesitation about how the feeling of being in love is the most desirable thing in life… And how they would do anything for the love of their life, and how life isn’t worth living without their lover… And of how they would end it all if they could not be together… Yes that’s right.

Romeo and Juliet were fucking nuts.

Meet in a bar.
Fall in love instantly.
Cause death or various people with their tragic, secretive yet not so secretive bullshit.
Die.

Well that’s an excellent sodding example to give to children in year 9 of school isn’t it.

Letting all those hormonal teens know how romantic it is to being a psychopath on account of falling in love with some manipulative prick.

That’s probably why kids have such a reputation for chucking the word love around on Facebook so much and then acting like the end is neigh when they get dumped…

Don’t get me wrong I love Shakespeare… As do I enjoy Arnold Schwarzenegger films…
But you don’t see me running around Manchester killing everyone and throwing occasional one liners at passers by…

The effect is similar though… It’s evil and wrong and immoral to let children watch sex scenes on TV, or watch graphic violence…

But it’s okay to make them not just watch, but study a text which depicts two young lovers secretly enjoy passion together, get people killed and then commit suicide.

Good call education system… That will bring them up with a good morals compass!
But let me tell you… when we grow up it is even worse!!!

We are introduced to a world of perpetual two steps forward, one step back.
We go about our daily lives… then do a bit of a Fucking up, followed by some forgiving one another.

All in the name of love.

I’m in a relationship where occasionally we will argue and shout at one another… But we trust each other so more often than not we’re cool by the end of the day… like normal people are wo deal wit situations…But things haven’t degenerated to the bullshit that I’m about to discuss…

Let me provide you with an example of how ‘Love’ manages to do people over.

A friend of mine was with the girl of his dreams, he would do everything for her… Run around after her and basically act like a slave, but in the name of love it would all be.

He may as well have gotten a tattoo of her thumb on his forehead.

Then to add insult to injury.. The disgusting whore cheated on him..
He was heart broken… he loved her with all his heart, he would do anything for her… and so then the waterworks came… Blah blah blah, she loves him so much she was just ‘confused’ and so the idiot forgave her.

Let me make one point here which anyone who has been cheated on will understand:

*please note than capital letters are not me shouting… It’s just an important point that people should read*

CHEATING IS A DISGUSTING, VILE AND EVIL THING TO DO… WHEN YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO TRUSTS YOU AND YOU FEEL CON-FUCKING-FUSED… YOU THINK ABOUT IT AND DEAL WITH IT LIKE AN ADULT… STUFFING THE NEAREST DICK IN YOUR MOUTH IS JUST PLAINLY ACTING LIKE A DISRESPECTFUL CUNT WHO BASICALLY LACKS ANY SELF CONTROL.

ANYONE READING THIS WHO DOES THIS WHEN THEY ARE UNSURE ABOUT A RELATIONSHIP… I HOPE THE NEXT TIME YOU DO IT, YOU GET AIDS.

back to my point… What a testicle-less softy you may scream at your computer…
How could he take back someone who disrespected him so much.

Well before your point the proverbial finger at people who do this, have quick thing about it.

My friend cared so much about his girlfriend that he didnt want to have to live his life without her… even if that meant suffering the indignity of her treating him like a servant…

If you forgive someone for being a dick to you all the time your a soft arse… If you tell them go fuck themselves and hopefully catch aids… Then that make you a bastard.
There is no middle ground here.

Love conquers all they say. Damn right it does. It makes us do all sorts of stupid things.

So far we have:

Making us depressed and wanting to top ourselves (or so Willie Shakespeare would have us do)

forgiving every wrong doing to avoid losing the person

But now the worst thing love has ever done… Stifles potential.

Yes, much like having your picture taken with Jimmy Savile… Being in love places TNT at the bottom of any towering potential and brings it crashing down!

Strong minded people will love and be able to carry on achieving their dreams..

But there are those out there who lack the drive to concentrate on both…
Jealous partners will hold them back from jobs which may ‘take them away’ or ‘change them’ and basically use love as the scapegoat for jealousy…

In the name of love some shitty things have happened.

Wars are fought because of the guidance and belief in a particular god… People want god’s love and blessings so they kill in his name…

The point I have made here is… Not once have I actually discussed true love…
The feeling of absolute confidence that someone makes you so happy that you just want to be with them…

Love is happiness, serenity, serendipity, perpetual butterflies.

People are the ones who use love as a tool to manipulate and control.
What out for these shady people… They are not to be trusted.

This blog entry wasn’t as comic as usual, but feel free to let me know your thoughts on the matter.

Coffee, laywers… and the bullshit that goes with it all.

It would seem that due to the nature of my day to day life, I find myself doing a considerable amount of people watching. It may sound creepy, but its suprisingly hard to sit in a public place and NOT look at what other people are doing.
I will try to describe the environment which I am currently sitting in:

I am in the corner of Starbucks on a busy main road in London, right by the window. To my left is a middle aged woman, presumably writing a business proposal and she keeps sneaking a look at what I’m writing. So if you are reading this lady, I’m onto you but feel free to continue looking its a free country and all that!

In front of me is an ENOURMOUS asian lady drinking an equally large cup of coffee. I can’t quite convey how hard it is to not look at this woman her every move seems to cause a vibration across the entire. Tables, mugs, children are all in jeopardy when this lady swings her gigantic behind around.

Working behind the counter is a potential skitziophrenic who greets every customer with a smile and warmly chats to them as if they were old friends. However the second they are gone, the smile rapidly disappears and she beings scowling and muttering to her colleague in a harsh eastern european accent.

Why do they bother with the bullshit parade? Im I the only person who sees directly through the smiles and the ‘Can I get you a pastry to accompany your beverage?’

Who the bejesus uses the word beverage?
The only context in which the catering industries most pointless and preposterously overused word is used is when a supervisor is on her period and threatens to stab the barista with a sharpened stirring spoon if they don’t say it.
Don’t you think it sets a challenge for us consumers to come up with our own ludacris vocabulary to combat the servers?

For example the next time I want to order a coffee the conversation may go a little like this:
Barista: Hi, Welcome to Starbucks, can I get you a beverage?

Me: Greetings fellow homosapien, can one per chance venture a proposition upon yourself to go yonder and extract a refreshment from a culmination of flavoursome beans, the reproductive udder produce of a bovine and the product mainly synonymous with plantation slavery, heated to 2.5 x room temperature into a lidded vessle in which I may reciprocate enjoyment through a size challenged hole?

Barista: ???

Me: Your move Barista!

I’m certain the young eastern european girl would look nervously back and call her hormonal superiour who may well have have exploded with emotion by this point. Upon arrival of said supervisor I would then recite a selection of limmericks occasionally and without care for rhythme or rhyme, occasionally adding the word beverage in for good measure.
Only when she had stuffed croissants into her ears and run away singing the Ugandan national anthem would I desist. THIS is how frustrated I get when people engage in the bullshit that is coffee shops.

Don’t get me wrong I love coffee shops for the reason that they provide me with three of my fundamentally favourite things:
Coffee

A place to think

A place to observe others.

However, it does not stop here.
Due to the culture these days at which customer service is king to the extent that if a simple mistake is made… such as the wrong adjective is used to describe a muffin… a mis-representation lawsuit would soon surely follow and the poor 17 year old boy trying to save money for whatever fruitless and wasteful purposes he requires money for… would be branded a pedophile and have a Nazi party badge stapled to his forehead.

This fear of the accident prone, idiotic public has driven us to new madness.

Here are examples of why the world is nothing short of a joke… and explinations for their existence:

‘Can I possibly upgrade your coffee to large for an extra 50p… If I don’t ask, your coffee is free‘ –

Some TWAT obviously became extremely annoyed when he realised that he could have had a larger coffee, but failed to read the menu because he’s a TWAT… this is obviously the companies fault so he complained… TWAT’

‘I will bring your panini over to you, careful though its very hot‘

OF COURSE ITS FUCKING HOT…. its just been under a fucking grill! People are now so incapable of using common sense as a primary directive… they must now be spoonfed information like they have been hiding under the bed for the past 20 years. Twats.

‘Caution: Contents of coffee mug may be hot‘

This suggests to me that some FUCKING FUCKTARDED FUCK spilled coffee on themselves… and only then, after having entered the coffee shop… perused the menu, made a selection, witnessed its creation and picked up the hot cup… realized it was a hot fucking beverage… The usual scale of stupidness which goes from ‘1’ to ‘slapping yourself with a molten hot spatular’… is greatly exceeded… sometimes I think that I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

The way I see things… this is going too far.

EVERY 13 seconds there is an advert on television where a ‘lawyer’ played by a man who looks like he molests children and drives a Prius to show the world how ‘Serious’ he is… demands that you sue everyone you ever met because all the bads things that have happened in your life is of course THEIR fault.
Quick… sue everyone… and claim PPI back that the banks missold you… then sue the PPI claim company for misselling you something… then sue your lawyer… then sue yourself. Then the cat… for causing offense by shitting on your pillow.

This is how the advert should sound:

Have you had a trip or fall at work? … well look where you’re going next time you useless cunt and get on with doing something productive. END.

Or perhaps to shorten it and make it even more cost effective.

‘Have you had a tri… NOB OFF’

The problem these days is that people blame everyone else for their own balls ups.

I can imagine that is banana picking companies were prevelant in the Western World then they would never get a fucking thing done because their workers would be claiming banana peel related injuries 24/7!

SOMEHOW they didn’t realise that by working in an atmosphere filled with bananas, they may come into contact with bananas, and however unlikely, they may come into contact with bananas on the floor, which may of course be slippery…HOWEVER because the company didn’t explicitly mentioned that standing on a banana may cause a slip, they think that standing on a banana is perfectly okay due to its unforeen physical friction properties.

Basically, if you want to set up a company, you must warn staff of every concievable perilous situation that has ever been or will ever be possible.

I’ll be damned if I’m filling out that staff training file:

Section 476 Article 79b

‘If a small mammal such as a hedgehog comes across your path, do NOT insert into your rectum when a spacehopper party is planned in the forseeable future’

I have a new theory… companies should be able to sue their workers for being useless time wasting nobheads if they have an accident as a direct result of stupid behaviour…

Climbing up a ladder without the correct safety gear?

Signed the contract to say you have received training?

Then that is YOUR fault.

Nob.

I must sound very passionate in my hatred for these things… and that is because I believe in a civilized world where human beings coexist… not always perfectly, but we try to get through life and try our best. We do NOT need some fucking gimp trying to sue me every time I don’t hold the door open for him…

and secondly… It is NOT called a beverage. It is a drink.

Food For Thought.

Planned Pregnancy

It has come to my attention recently that the entire world is pregnant…

From every conceivable angle women are being knocked up… And feel that they now must stop at nothing to inform the entire word how wonderful it is!!

Okay, so procreation at its most basic form not generally a topic of much humour as it is how we all arrived on this planet, however there must be some sort of joke I’m not in on going on..??

I implore you all to look on your Facebook newsfeed, Twitter… or just about any other method of social networking and I can almost guarantee there will be some cabbage showing the world 3D scans of what can only be described as a creepy alien potato thingymabob… Or simply just getting excited for the arrival of their ‘planned’ child…

Okay, so given my recent research into this notion of ‘planned parenthood’ … what can be considered ‘planned parenthood’?

Yes obviously planning a pregnancy means it was previously thought about prior to conception but how do people prepare for it?

Well here is a list of things i have come up with which people seem to be doing prior to getting knocked up…

1. They must under no circumstances have a job or means of income…
2. Their new child’s home environment but be as stable as Jimmy Savile’s defence case…
3. They must have an inability to spell any word longer than 4 letters (irrelevant yet notable)
4. They must not have considered life with a child after the initial ‘I’m now a mummy’ stage.
5. They must already be planning nights out in which the baby shall be left with relatives…

The list is long and tiresome but am I the only person who finds it all little bit wrong?

Yes there are new parents out there who frankly do an amazing job and kudos to them…

But my worry is that the generation of moronic, hopeless, scrounging Chavy time wasters who festoon this world are now breeding…

And much like the film Prometheus when weird evil aliens produce hybrid, maniacal and slimy offspring… I believe this is what will happen.

Take this formula for example

Illiterate, weed smoking, drug dealing, tax avoiding, ‘one hand must remain down front of trousers at all times’ father
+
Orange coloured, 60 a day smoking, alcoholic, track suit wearing, scrapped back haired, anger management issues mother
=
One sincerely messed up child who might as well use Josef Fritzel and Roule Moat as a role model than his oxygen thieving parents…

This does not bode well for humanity.

I’m not Hitler.. I don’t believe is breeding a superior race or eliminating the weak, sick and Jewish…

My suggestion is that people should breed when they have the means to bring the child up in a stable environment where it can live, grow, learn and become an individual as opposed to a mini-menace like its godawful parents… Who will more than likely be sat, in 10 years time…. On Jeremy Kyle’s sofa.

And if you feel offended by any of the above… They it means you voluntarily fitted yourself into one or the aforementioned categories… And therefore will be wasting everyone’s time by arguing a defensive case as you were stupid enough to declare yourself in such categories… You are more than likely a mess.

However all of this is my opinion not fact.

Therefore before complaining… Sod off and read someone else’s blog. 🙂

Food for Thought

The ins and outs of life..

Life can be amazing…
Life can be fun…
Life can be monotonous
Life can be as interesting as Wayne Rooney’s auto biography…

These are the fundamentals, and now we know them, we must then understand them!

I see hundreds of people daily, complaining via Facebook that their lives are shit, how their boyfriend just ran off to Barbados with a Taiwanese he/she called Juan… how their cat doesn’t look at them the same way since the ‘drunken incident’ and all manner of other farcical and depressive situations…

I personally think the solution to this is all about perspective. If you woke up every morning knowing that your bank account is fuller than Eric Pickles’ stomach… then rubbing away feverishly at a scratch card to match 3 symbols to find out if you’ve won a million… wouldn’t have quite the same buzz to it…

Equally, that unparalleled feeling of delight when a Chav walks into a lamp post… Or sits in dog shit… Or just generally makes an arse of himself…

Would NOT be he same if it happened every 13 seconds. (Okay the first week would be good but then perhaps just annoying)

What I’m trying to promote here is balance!

Life is an oxymoron, in which we all crave nice things, but too much of a nice thing makes it shit.

Having a gorgeous, loyal and trustworthy girlfriend is rarer than finding a picture of Aemon Holmes which doesn’t make him look like a personification of a Big Mac

However if every girl out there was stunning, moral and had a shred of decency then it would make the initial find less unique!

Of course you may be thinking ‘Shut up you nonce, what do you know?However, you are on my blog, where my opinion is king… so if you disagree, feel free to sod off.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news ladies and gents but more often than not…

We are sold a turd.

Which is why I say we should appreciate the good things that happen to us and feel sorry for those who are less fortunate.

There are those around the world who wake up every morning in poverty in a Disease ridden hell hole…

Most notably Kerry Katona’s boyfriend…

All suffer on a daily basis…

Yet we complain when our cheese toastie is slightly over done.

Its perspective people!

Don’t confuse me for some sort of religious do-gooder who is an advocate for hugging trees and giving gang members money for teddy bears…

That would be about as inaccurate as to suggest that good old Rowen… The Archbishop of Canterbury isn’t a completely idiotic and useless bellend.

No I just don’t like when people complain about menial crap…

However there is ONLY one thing worse…

People who expect praise and compliments for redundant an pointless feats.

Congratu-fucking-lations!!!!…. You successfully made ‘insta-mash’ without your head spontaneously combusting and retardedly mushing your fingers into the mix…

There is a medal in the post…

I did call the Parade Commission to authorise an honorary parade in celebration of your achievement… But unfortunately they are fully booked for some who instagrammed a cake they baked earlier without burning down the house…

To everyone who does this.

I hope Piers Morgan sneaks in through your bedroom window tonight and talks to you…
Or a painful death…

At this present moment I’m struggling to decide which is worse.

Food for thought.

Holiday balls up!

If you went to an ‘EPIC’ pool party and found the pool filled with urine and pedophiles looming around… you may feel like you have been slightly cheated…

As would you feel a bit miffed if you purchased a new Audi and on collection found that they had actually attached a steering wheel… to an Onion.

Well what might you do if such an incident were to fall upon your day… well I would more than likely complain to the person who misinformed me. And more than likely shout at him until his face fell off.

This is standard procedure for when someone sells you something, which turns out to be shit.

Well I have puzzled over how one particular group of people have gotten away with such things for so many years, and people never seem to notice.

Travel Agents. Aka… Bastards

Usually you will casually stroll into Thomas Cook and have a browse at some brochures. After a very practiced amount of pondering time, a women, usually named Carol, wearing a size 26 blazer bursting at the seems, a thick neck which questionably looks like it contains an adams apple and a face so large with makeup application that it could well eclipse the solar system and destroy all life on earth…. waddles over and asks if you ‘have anywhere in mind’

Looking too and from the brochure which clearly has Ibiza Emblazoned on the cover, wondering if she has been told to say this, or if she just devoured a bowl of ‘well duhhh’ for brunch, you will point at the brochure to which her eyes will light up….

‘OHHHH I’ve been there soooooo many times, I just love the night life and the partys, you will looooove it’

Once again you will find yourself perplexed as to whether the reason she elongates every dramatic verb or adjective in a sentence is a health problem or if she was just a nob.

To cut a long story short, she will sell you a ‘package deal’ where Grey Goose is flowing, gorgeous women lay strewn about like scatter cushions and the weather is perfect.

Well, I hate to burst the proverbial bubble. but what a load of shit.

Yes in Ibiza you will find all these things, if you go out and find them yourself. However if you are to stick to the handy Thomas Cook brochure then the only thing you will find abroad… is Sunburnt Brits.

Imagine walking down a rough street in Salford… then picture everyone is topless… and angry from the heat… and putting the letter O on the end of everything in attempt to communicate with the locals… Most of which speak better English than the British!

Well that people is the West End in San Antonio.

Loud, obnoxious and about as aesthetically pleasing as a cauldron of boiled testicles, marinaded in evil.

Well worth your £399 for that deal ey?

Carol lied didn’t she. Yes, she did. and now she is most likely snorting with laughter into her fourth bacon sandwich of the morning.

Well fuck you Carol. The cholesterol in your arteries will finish you off soon.

Might I propose an alternative?

Lets say you want to go on holiday, why don’t you speak to people who have actually been there and let them tell you what the score is… instead of listening to some morbidly obese he/she, who’s actually knowledge of nightlife travels no further than the local pub… most of which is spent arguing over the price of Cheese and Onion Crisps.

So, if you don’t want to be sold a turd… do some research, and don’t listen to that bitch Carol

Girls: The Bitch Battlefield

Many a time have I heard the words ‘Ooh she is SOOO fake’ come out the mouths of women (and some men, usually with different connotations) and have puzzled over what it actually is they are suggesting.

 

Yes I am aware than some women seemingly prefer to apply make up with a trowel, leaving their face three times larger than any other normal human face, and as expressionless as a jar of marmalade; but where is the line?

 

At what point does a women cross the line between simply making an effort to look good and enter the boundaries of ‘FAKE SLUTTY MESS’  as they are deemed to be. Frankly, as a man I know what I like, and I know what I don’t. For example a girl who fears for her life when standing among the oranges in Tesco for fear of being thrown into a shopping trolley is not exactly my cup of tea, nor is someone who’s body is primarily a compound of cholesterol and dairy milk chocolate.

Call me shallow all you like, I know what I’m attracted to, and just because someone has the personality of Mother Teresa, does not outweight the fact that they have a face like a smacked arse.

Yes yes, personality matters, being with someone who has the personality of a cheese and onion crisp is hardly a good idea! BUT what I’m saying is, I would not walk across a crowded bar and strike up conversation with an utter howler on the off chance that she has a cracking personality. Who is to say that a gorgeous (beauty is in the eye of the beholder) young lady would not also have a personality matching that of what you require? This is my point. People are judgmental, VERY judgmental. Let’s use a widely known stereotype for an example… A girl has  blonde hair, a tan, white teeth, and fake nails… does this make her a slut? No, It doesn’t. If she was getting rogered by various men more or less every night… she would be a massive whore… yet I have seen examples (many of which if Jeremy Kyle) of people so ugly, it makes all men within 5 miles suffer from erectile dysfunction… yet she claims to have slept with everyone in the known universe, but ISN’T a slut. Yeah right. I bet 9 out of 10 women who saw the aforementioned barbie girl would instantly brand her a slut, and burn her at the stake immediately! yet they would over look the woman who fell out of the ugly tree.

As Forrest Gump said … ‘Momma always said, slutty is as slutty does’ … I’m paraphrasing but I’m sure that’s roughly right.

 

Girlfriends of mine in the past have indeed been given some of the proverbial ‘shit’ by other women for being Fake/Plastic/Malibu barbie, which yes I was aware of the stereotype yet they all more or less had wonderful personalities (at least for the first bit of the relationship)… I think it is rather easy to notice if you’re dating a yoghurt pot after the first few dates , yet even though they were what could be judged as barbies, they all initially passed the personality test…

Maybe you have had the same experiences? Just because someone takes care of their appearance doesn’t make them fake/slutty/boring/dumb… it just means they might have taken a little longer to get ready. And we all know what a crime that is don’t we. What puzzles me is the skanky girls who spend hours getting ready, yet only succeed in making themselves look more like a heroin addict than when they entered the bathroom. How strange…

As discussed in my previous blog, perceptions (much like the blurb of a book) can lead people to false truths, but for the purpose of today’s quandary we shall look for the exact line and how to avoid crossing it. I believe that some girls DON’T deserve the hassle and aggravation they get… so what can a pretty girl expect on a night out??

As you may well already know, I like lists. They sum things up nicely. SO here is another one.

What the bitchy hasslers say:

1. Oh my god she looks like a slut

2. How fake is she? what a barbie!

3. Her hair extensions are SO fake

4. She looks like she’s been tango’d

5. I bet she goes home with a randomer tonight!

 

and now the ACTUAL thoughts of the bitchy hasslers:

1. She’s prettier than me

2. I wish I could wear an outfit like that

3. When I wear fake tan I always looks like a dickhead

4. Why are the boys looking at her so much?

5. If I looked like that I could get attention too…

 

So potentially this whole FAKE malarky is all a bit of an excuse to be jealous?

 

Obviously there are those girls out there who genuinely are faker than Piers Morgan’s smile… who if hit with something substantial in size and weight would more than likely smash into tiny pieces… and to top it all off have the personality of a cabbage broth. I must say I have been on a few questionable dates when I seemed to have more fun investigating the contents of the soup bowl in front of me, yet of course this is a pitfall that is unavoidable when in search of a girl who takes care of her appearance.

To make things better, it is one of the best feelings in the world, when you are looking across a table at a gorgeous girl, and the only thing captivating you more than her looks, is the interesting conversation and dazzling personality she possesses. What is this? A good looking girl with a personality to match? Practically unheard of! yet recently (mentioning no names) I seem to have found just that.

 

Yet bitching and foul play is always afoot when ladies of the aesthetically pleasing variety are around, as their arch nemesis… the jealous little scamps, will always be on hand to say something snidely.

 

So what is the ideal way of dealing with  bitchy girls?

Do we put a sack over their head, tie weights to their feet and drop them into the River Thames?

Perhaps. Although I’m just the old bill would have a few questions for you and it may be considered morally incorrect… whatever.

Realistically speaking what can we do to solve or manipulate the situation?

1. Stop giving a shit! If they want to waste their night taking about you, give them something to talk about as you party away seemingly oblivious to their bullshit. You – 1  Bitches – 0

2. Laugh directly in their face and ignore them forever more. Nothing is more embarrassing than being directly laughed at… so give it a go.

3. DO NOT get into any kind of physical conflict… this diminishes your reputation instantly and makes you look as bad as them. And no one wants to look like them.

4. Put ink into their drink… and then laugh maniacally at their blue teeth until they cry.

5. Gather your friends, point, stare and whisper about them…

 

…but wait… Uh oh! you’re getting just as bad as the bitches. You bitch.

 

See how easy that was to become a bitch in one easy step?

 

This really is a royal pickle isn’t it?

 

Frankly I think to would be easier to end world famine, achieve world peace and be home by tea time… than to end bitching in female society.

A call for a Nobel peace prize to any who can find a solution to bitching girls which doesn’t involve hiding under the bed for the next twenty years.

 

And you wouldn’t want things to be easy now would you girls?

How about we all get naked?

 

No? Just an idea

 

Food For Thought

 

 

 

Interpretation, the grammar of life.

Read the following two sentences very carefully:

A woman without her man is nothing.

A woman: without her, man is nothing.

 

Did you notice that the entire meaning changes through the use of two tiny little punctuation marks? How bazaar that such a tiny difference can make ALL the difference…

Well sometimes in life these little ‘punctuation marks’ aren’t very obvious.

Have you ever considered the possibility that there are other tiny little, almost unnoticeable things in life that should alter our perceptions? but don’t.

For example, have you ever heard anyone say “I got the wrong end of the stick”… which basically means, I didn’t read the situation properly, and in hindsight, reacted like a complete grade A twat.

Doesn’t it just make you look like a plonker when you realize you have firmly grasped the wrong end of the stick, waved it around, hit a few old people and THEN decided that you have acted a little rashly.

It would take twenty-thirteen weeks to cover all the different varieties of interpretive fuck ups, so I have been puzzling over that absolutely pain in the rectum which is, Facebook.

yes that oh so awesome creation, Facebook. And oh, golly gosh such a gigantic, enormic, superlative ball of a fuckity fuck fuckery has never been seen before.

The pitfalls of having a Facebook account are deeper and wider than Kerry Katona’s downstairs… and that saying something.

Real life – *See girl you know in the street*

“Hello, how are you?”

…

“Oh hi, yes I’m good thanks.”

…

“up to much?”

…

“nope, just shopping, fancy getting a coffee?”

…

“Yeah sure”

*quick coffee and chat, END of fucking story*

 

Now lets look at similarly innocent scenario on Facebook..

Facebook – *Girl writes on your wall*

“Hi hows it going?”

…

“Good thanks, you?”

…

Everyone on your friends list now thinks the following

“OH MY GOD THEY ARE TOTALLY FUCKING!… LETS ALL STALK THEM AND TELL EVERYONE ABOUT THEM FUCKING… DID I MENTION THEY ARE FUCKING?”

How such an innocent chat is interpreted as a despicable sex act is beyond me…

I am talking from direct experience here as I have fallen foul of these fucksticks who decide that reading into your life and interpreting every single conversation as some sort of Hanzel and Grettle breadcrumb trail to an enormous gossip-ridden ball of sex, drugs, swearing, cheating mess that they can uncover.

Essentially most people get their little Sherlock Holmes hat on and have a good search through the metaphorical bins to dig up something titillating and interpret it as a scandal!

Well I suppose people with the IQ of a Gregg’s sausage roll and no discernible life of their own must find a way to pass the time ey?

Here are a few tips to get you by…

1. Don’t be in a picture with anyone… you will forever be known to be shagging them rotten.

2. Don’t make any facial expressions. any slight lip movement shall be known as a pout and therefore you are a poser/slut.

3. The angle of all pictures shall be straight on, any angle deviation shall result in being know as a slut. somehow…

4. ALWAYS cover your body head to toe in frumpy attire, else you shall be a slut.

5. Doing anything shall result in being a slut.

 

I hate to say it people, but interpretation is key, and unfortunately people, Facebook is the master of all fuck-up-ery.

Many a good person has had their name tarnished as a result of a poorly worded status or perhaps a photograph which may or may not involve them doing something which the stalky bastard brigade regard as ‘slutty’.

 

So what have we learned?

 

You shall be slandered and hated for all that you do, and anything you try to do to stop it shall result in the vegetables who prowl Facebook looking for gossip having a good old bitch about you.

As a wise man once said… Fuck off.

Does it matter what these idiotic pack of fuckmuffins have to say about you?

That my friends is the glory of the ‘Unfriend’ button 🙂

 

If only it were so easy in real life!

 

Food for Thought.